Sanity Check
by BloodyImperfections.x
Summary: Commander Shepard longs for Kaidan, just as the Major longs for his C.O.. When things get tough and near death experiences.. Will they be strong enough to see it through until the end?


**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything to do with the Mass Effect trilogy, everything belongs to Bioware and EA.

*****MASS EFFECT 3 SPOILERS.*****

MaleShepardxKaidan Alenko. If you don't enjoy Male on male action.. Than I suggest you don't read this fanfiction. Simple as that.

Rated M for later chapters.

A Bloodyimperfections.x Story..

**Chapter One: Waiting Around... **

Chapter Summary: It had been Six months after Commander Ryin Shepard had destroyed the Collector Base, and just the night before the reapers attacked Earth...

* * *

Show me a hero and I will write you a tragedy..

-F. Scott Fitzgerald

* * *

_It is a late Saturday night or early morning.. Was it even still Saturday? Maybe it was Sunday.. Who knows, I didn't care. No, not at this moment. I cared about nothing but drowning my thoughts away with each Turian made drink I knocked back. I felt lighter with each sip, but no matter how much I consumed... She was still on my mind. Damnit.. I shouldn't have left her to die on Virmire. I could have saved her, I could have saved them both. Hell.. Ashley was one of the best soldiers I've ever had the pleasure to fight along side. She was my comrade.. She was apart of my crew, my team mate.. But most of all, she was my best-friend. The hardest decision was choosing her to die on Virmire and saving Kaidan. I ho__wever don't regret my choice made, but.. How could I still be alive and she not? It had been awhile.. Over two years since she had died. Maybe even longer, but I am too intoxicated to put any logic into it. I've spent about two years dead.. Being rebuilt in a Cerberus lab. The Lazarus Project had been an success, being pumped with cybernetics and having a good majority of my body filled with implants.. Not that I am complaining.. The Lazarus Project had helped my performance on the battlefield. I had lost two years of my life.. A lot had changed. Too much had changed in fact.. I worked for the Illusive Man, well... I wouldn't say worked for, maybe just.. I don't know. Any ways, I beat the Collectors.. Six months ago, the council had stripped me of my rank and took away my ship. I've been under constant surveillance since. Been doing nothing... I haven't grieved over Ashley since.. Well, since never. I've always had Kaidan with me too pick me up and to keep my mind off of things. But now, he wasn't here too help. He wasn't here at all.. At least I've Mr. Vega whom visits me on occasion. Over the past six months he has become a good friend of mine to say the least. Granted that I don't know much about him, but I still have to thank him for bringing me a few bottles of the Turians finest drink. Ugh, enough on that .. I can't sit here and wait idly by any more, the reapers are coming and the council won't listen, no one won't..._

Sighing heavily the Commander leaned forward, turning off his journal hologram. His violet eyes staring at the grey slated wall as he put down his drink. Six months he had been relieved off duty, six months he had been stuck on Earth and not being able to fly out into the darkest depths of spaces unknown. Six months.. He had been away from his crew, whether it was his old crew from the Normandy SR-1 or from when he was working with Cerberus on the Normandy SR-2. Standing up, he nearly fell flat on his ass as the alcohol he had consumed started to warm his tummy a bit more. The walls were doubling, well.. That is the understatement of the year.. He couldn't make anything out at this point. So many thoughts were running rapid inside his head, "_wasn't alcohol suppose to make you.. Not think as much?_" Was his only thought, whilst he took his lean against the wall next to him. He missed Ashley, there was no doubt about that. Even if her nickname for him was in fact Skipper, though he never got what it meant.. He just missed the sound of her voice. Hell be damned... He missed Kaidan as well. His other loyal team mate, brothers-in-arms... "_Brothers_?" Scoffing at his own words, he went in for another drink. But was disappointed to see that there was none left, he didn't have any thing more to drown away the pain he felt stabbing at his heart. Brother's in arms him and Kaidan were in fact, but the feelings he harboured for the man were nothing.. Brotherly. He longed for Kaidan... His feelings ran deep for the man and still did. Before Ashley died, she was the only one who knew of Shepard's liking to the Lieutenant and urged him on to confess.. The Commander was going to the night before Virmire, than Ashley died. And he didn't have the guts to do so any more. Sighing yet again, pushing himself from the wall, he staggered his way over to his bed. Dropping his lithe form upon it, he nuzzled into his pillows. Daring the liquor to take him into the deep slumber of his dreams tonight.. His eyes closing, he subconsciously stumbled into his drunk slumber...

* * *

Awakening the next morning was a horrible one at that. His head pounded, he felt sick to his stomach and the lingering smell of split alcohol didn't make it any better. The sunlight that had shone through his window was shining over his face, which made it quite difficult to open his violet eyes. Sitting up, he ran a hand through his lavender hair. Blinking away the sleepiness that was still evident in his gaze, yawning and stretching out his sore muscles was like heaven on his body. Taking in his surroundings for a few minutes, he stood and sauntered over to the bathroom. Starting the shower, the Commander stripped to his birthday suit, getting in. The luke warm water splashed and kneaded pleadingly against his tense muscles. The body wash he lathered over himself washed away the spent smell of liquor, which all in all he was very much grateful for. His hangover wasn't at all that bad, but he still felt somewhat sick. Taking in the soothing scent of his body wash, it instantly reminded him of Kaidan.. The Commander himself didn't realize he had bought the same body wash that Kaidan used until just a few days ago when he first bought it to try something new.. He made quick work of washing his hair as he heard his Private Terminal go off with a few notification alarms. No doubt it was probably Admiral Hackett or James Vega. Stepping out he dried himself off, wrapped the towel around his lean waist as he made his was over to his closet. He hadn't much of an selection, so he just tossed on a pair of black boxers and his normal attire he was normally seen with. Lathering a small coat of gel through his lavender tresses to keep it in place he was all washed up and ready to began his day. Well.. What was left of his day any ways, seeing that it was already 3 o'clock in the afternoon.

He was looking over a few data pads, his eyes roaming over each word of information. Taking it all in, he shook his head. Walking over to the large window, he rested his forearm against it, staring out into the view. A gentle smile would take his lips as he noticed a young boy playing with an space figurine no doubt. This sight brought a rare warmness to his heart, remembering that he had never had the chance to enjoy his childhood, but was never the less grateful to have saved the galaxy from Saren.. From the Collectors so that a child could enjoy their days, before responsibility would weigh upon their shoulders. Tearing his gaze away, James walked in, saluting Shepard.

" Commander "

" You're not suppose to call me that anymore, James "

Shepard would announce, as he walked towards the other. His head shaking left to right, whilst he still held the data pad within his hand.

" I'm not suppose to salute you either.. But, we gotta go. The defence committee wants too see you.. "

" Sounds important... "

Following after James, Shepard stayed close to him as they made their was over to wherever he was needed at. Given that he had to jog some to stay close to other, the halls were filled with people. Alliance military, none the less. Dodging a few people that he nearly ran into, he caught back up to Mr. Vega. The former Commander not hesitating to ask the most obvious question that would be any one's mind.

" What's going on? "

" Couldn't say, they just told me that they needed you.. Now "

Was all that James said, not very much intel. But, oh well, Shepard somehow thought this today was going to be a day much different from the previous six months. Although he was excited to finally get some action, or just be stationed somewhere other then at a boring desk job. He would be happy... Just as long as he was out of that room and away from his thoughts that never seemed to leave him be whenever he was alone.. Or drinking for that matter. Inhaling deeply, he sighed at the thought, still following close beside the other.. But slowed his pace the moment his visage caught sight of an familiar face. His pale lips pulling into a small smile, he began his move to gain himself closer to the one he hadn't seen in what seemed like forever. The instant the other was near ear shot, Shepard was fast to greet the man, taking his hand in his own.

" Anderson. "

" You look good Shepard, maybe a little soft around the edges.. How're you holding up since being relieved from duty? "

Going down some stairs, and turning sharp corner at a quick pace was the most exercise he had gotten in a while. Looking a head he would spot another set of stairs, not that he shouldn't have complained, but made simple note of it any how. Replying to Admiral Anderson's previous question, he answered the other in a shallow tone that would be soon followed with a shrug to roll free from his well defined shoulders.

" Oh you know, it is not so bad once you get used to the hot food and soft beds.. But most importantly, what's going on? Why is everyone is such a hurry? "

" I am going to get straight to the point Shepard, Admiral Hackett is mobilizing the fleets.. I am guessing that word had made it to Alliance Command that something big is heading our way.. "

After the Admiral had spoken, Shepard had yet again.. Died down his pace to a dead halt at the end of the stairs. Staring up at Anderson, Shepard might as well take a lucky guess and see if the other would respond in all honesty..

" Is the Reapers? "

" We don't know, Shepard.. We are not certain.. "

Looking up at the man whom was just a few steps away from him, he had for some reason noticed that James was standing not to far from him. Making scrap of that he spoke in a loud tone for all the commotion that was going on around them over powered Shepards voice just a tinge.

" Anderson.. You know that we are not ready for them.. Not by a long shot.. "

" Tell that to the committee. "

As the Admiral walked off, shaking his head Shepard was not to far behind. Making small talk with the other as they both walked into a room, greeted by a woman whom had let them both know that the committee was expecting them. James stood in front of the former Commander, talking about simple nothings and wishing him good luck in the meeting. Nodding softly, he shook James' hand. Shepard'a attention was caught when he heard a familiar voice shoot from behind him, calling his name. His heart pounded hard against his chest, oh how he hoped that no one else could hear.. Turning around his eyes widen as he caught sight of an former team member. He looked amazing...

" Kaidan? "

Every part of him wanted to engulf the other in a embrace. Shepard wanted to hold Kaidan, let him now how much he missed him. On the inside he was a hopeless wreck.. But his exterior stayed as stoic as ever as he approached the LT2 biotic, he was about to say something more but was cut short when Anderson had asked him how everything had went in there. Hearing Kaidan's voice was like music to his ears, the torch he held for Kaidan lit ablaze. Higher and hotter than ever, after all these months trying to burying his feelings and almost succeeding.. There he was, standing just an arms length away. His fists balled at his sides, fighting the urge to hug LT. Alenko.. "_No wait.. Anderson just called him Major?... He got a promotion?_ " Shepard wanted to ask the other so many question but was limited when Anderson walked towards the board room, following in quick steps. He felt his heart melt into a big pile of goo the moment he saw the smile Kaidan gave to him, he did his best to muster up a smile of his own before jogging after the Admiral.

* * *

**After the meeting..**

_My head.. My body, fucking blast. Felt like.. Hell just ran me over.. Ugh, fuck! Reapers are here.. Attacking Earth! I need, I... I can't pass out..._

_"Shepard!"_

_Anderson?... Is that... That's Anderson's voice... Ugh, I need snap myself out this... But, my head... Hurts... Why is it so hot in here?_

_"Shepard? "_

Sitting up, whilst holding his head.. His concentration had been restored, given that his body was rocked with some pain from being slammed up against what seemed like a bench. Taking the offered hand that Anderson had offered, Ryin stood up feeling worse than the hangover from this morning. Looking around, the office where they were meeting with the Committee had been completely and utterly destroyed. There was debris everywhere, along with the dead bodies of the defence committee. Little fires where about the room, which could explain why he had felt the heat just moments before.. He raced to see if anyone was live... But none had even held a mild pulse..

_Fuck... _

Now wasn't the time to be mourning over their deaths, Earth was being attacked by the Reapers and he needed to do something, anything and he needed to do it fast. His mind raced in so many places as he ran after Anderson whom was already well on his way crawling and shifting through the wreckage of the building to find a way out to the Normandy. It was an horrific sight to watch the Reapers beams destroy anything and every thing in sight. Closing his eyes tightly he shook off the feeling and was fast to regain his composer. As Anderson and himself made it down to what seemed like an ship wreckage they ran into two soldiers, one wounded. He was about to give one of the soldiers the medi-gel just when someone or to be more exact, something started firing at them. Taking cover, Shepard and Anderson were fast to take out all hostile's. Reloading his fire arm, he stood by as Anderson gave the wounded soldier a medi-gel.. They pointing them in the direction of an radio where they could possibly radio in Major Alenko. Running on foot, they were stopped when they ran into a small horde of Cannibals, taking cover yet again. Shepard, ducked behind a road block. Fast in speed, he poked up from cover and with ease pulled the trigger numerous times, smiling as he made each and every one of those abominations drop dead. Getting out of cover, the admiral and himself made haste on foot to the ship wreckage. Radioing in the Normandy, they got a few words past but there was some sort of interference with the signal. Swearing under his breath, Ryin couldn't help but to wonder if Kaidan was okay. He knew the man was an amazing soldier, but without having him in his sight, Shepard couldn't help but to worry.

" Fuck, more of those things! "

Shepard yelled as his own way of warning Anderson of the enemy. Jumping into cover yet again, he watched as Anderson fired blindly, luckly he wasn't missing as much.. Which left Shepard to fire at will and do his best to take out every single one. Granted that he took out most, at least three more would take ones place. Keeping clam in these situations was what Ryin did best, but he was running out of ammo, and so was Anderson.. Wait scratch that, the Admiral was already out of ammo. Swearing yet again under his breath he took down as many as he could before his ammo ran out. Backing up, he looked frantically around for possibly more ammo laying about, but alas none was at his disposal.

"Cavary's here, gentlemen! "

Sighing heavily, he was able to relax some as he heard Jokers voice on the Normandy's intercom. He watched on, smiling half effortedly as he watched the guns on the Normandy take out the rest of the remaining Cannibals.. This was there chance to break loose and dart towards the Normandy and into safety.. Well, somewhat. Running as fast and as hard as he possible could, he made an jump for the Normandy. He hit his right knee hard against the edge of the platform, almost fell too.. Luckily Kaidan was there to help him up, for once he ignored the fact that Kaidan was near him and for probably the millionth time ignored the paint hat racked his body. He narrowed his eyes at Anderson, as the other called his name.. But Shepard yelled in response..

" Come on! "

" I'm not going.. You saw those men over there. There's a million more like them and they need a leader! "

_I can't do this alone... _

" Where in this fight together, Anderson! "

" Yes, but this is a fight we can't win alone. We need help from every species if we are going to have a fighting chance against the Reapers... Go to council and convince them to help us! "

_... The council..?_

Running his right hands through his hair, he couldn't help but to allow an exasperated groan to depart from his lips.

" And what if they won't listen? "

" Than make them listen! Now go, and that's an order! "

The remark that Anderson made could have very well made him chuckle, throwing his hands some into the air he as fast to response as he pointed at Anderson.

" I don't take orders from you any more, remember? "

" Consider yourself reinstated... Commander "

The Commander's reflexes were fast, therefore making him able to move quick enough to take hold of his military tag dog that the Admiral tossed at him. Sighing heavily through his nostrils he held onto his tags with a death grip as the Normandy began pulling away.

' I'll be back for you! And.. I'll bring every fleet I can.. Good luck.. Anderson.. "

" You too, Shepard"

Leaving Anderson back on Earth was again, one of the hardest things he had too do. He wanted to stay and fight by his side, but instead he was ordered to leave and make nice in some board room at the council. Will they listen? Will they even help?.. Probably not, and this was something that the Commander already knew. Taking one last glance towards Anderson, he felt his heart strings pull some. Leaving him behind was very much like leaving his father, throughout his years in the Military... Anderson was much like a father-figure to him. Even before his own father died... But any whom, he was back in charge of the Normandy.. Back with some of his old crew. Joker, EDI... Even Kaidan.

_Kaidan's... Here.._

His mind was blocked with any thoughts, as he lifted his gaze to fixated themselves upon the Major. Shepard's mouth went to part, and move to form words.. But he couldn't find his voice.. He just stood there, lost in his own awe as he stared off at Kaidan. Again, he could feel his heart hammered hard within his chest as every bit of him sent him to embrace the other... But because James was in the room with them, he kept his stoic demeanour and went on pushing away his hearts desires.. Being notified about the call that Admiral Hackett wanted to speak to Shepard...

_This is going to be a long ride... _

* * *

**Authors Note:**

I have played Mass effect 1, 2 and 3. I loved them all, but have to say I hate the ending on the 3rd one.. Hence why I am going to be making my own.. _ I know that.. I am following the storyline in this Chapter, but I swear I won't always be following the storyline and I will be coming up with other things that show the inside story on the building of Kaidan and My male Shepard (Ryin's) Relationship.. You know to get the inside scoop! Not to mention how their relationship affects the crew, in both good and bad ways :3 So, this is probably the only chapter that I will be showing like this. Next ones will most definitely be more focused on Male Shep and Kaidan.

Until next time my lovelies.

xoxo- Rhay.


End file.
